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The Precinct – Game Diary

In the midst of playing the sparkly and new Mario Kart World and getting addicted once again to the wonderful Dragon Quest Builders 2, I decided to start another game. The Precinct is an isometric cop simulator with an ’80s vibe and a story about a cop trying to live up to his dad’s name as well as figure out the details of the old man’s untimely death. It’s developed by a studio called Fallen Tree Games and was released across multiple formats. My daughter bought me the physical PS5 version for Fathers’ Day as I had expressed an interest while in a game shop with her a few weeks prior. A wonderful gift, I’m sure you’ll agree. I decided to start it today, and with it being something a bit different, I decided to make it the subject of a Game Diary! Would you like to come and apprehend some perps with me? Join me in my squad car, then, and don’t hit your head on the door frame as you get in.

Session 1 – 23^rd June

Going into The Precinct I knew it was set in the 80’s, and as such, I was expecting to feel like Axel Foley, James Crockett, and Carey Mahoney all at once. The synth music while the game was installing was certainly a good start. I’m a total sucker for synthwave.

The game started proper and I was bathed in night-time city vibes dashed with neon and accompanied by saxophone sounds and synth beats. A voiceover (which sounded like it belonged to some kind of veteran cop) introduced me to Averno City, and told me that the cops are underpaid and overworked, and that plenty of them are crooked, and that they’ve all got targets on their backs.

The main character was introduced as Nick Cordell Jr., whose dad is a bit of a legend in the precinct who was murdered not long before the start of the game. The cut-scenes use still images but the drawings seem okay. The voice acting is a bit wooden but not too offensive, and I actually chortled a little at a bit of banter towards the end of the scene. It introduced five or six cops at once but none of them particularly stood out.

Nick was then let loose to walk around the station, and the isometric view is definitely interesting. I think it’ll take me a while before I stop trying to angle the camera and zoom in, though. Nick’s assigned partner, a guy named Kelly, doesn’t seem to want Nick around at first, but he turns out to be a bit of a joker and an okay guy who knew Nick’s dad. I bet he ends up being one of the crooked ones! Our first mission was to drive to a nearby hotdog stand and buy a hotdog. Nick was given the option of what to add to the hotdog and I made him choose “the works”. Got to roleplay a bit in these situations, you know?

Suddenly, there was a bank heist kicking off nearby. Nick put his foot down to get to a shoot-out outside the bank. The shooting gameplay seemed okay, if a little awkward to get to grips with, and then some of the bank robbers escaped out of another door and started driving off in a van. Driving slowly and legally is actually kind of easy (easier than it is in most games) but driving fast is a little harder, and there was a fair bit of collateral damage in the ensuing chase. We finally caught the perps at some kind of car repair shop, as after Nick had booked one and the chase had ended, we drove through the shop and the cop car got super fixed up in super quick time. So, yeah, we caught one of the bank robbers (they were wearing clown masks, because of course they were) and the rest ate a bullet or two.

At this point I was loving the vibe overall, mainly thanks to the music and my penchant for rainy city nights and neon reflecting on wet roads, but I think that the driving and shooting will take some getting used to. Either way, Nick’s first shift was over.

The next shift occurred during the day and introduced the cop’s handbook. While walking around the station at this point I did notice that sometimes a prompt comes up to talk to Nick’s fellow cops, but if you press the button nothing will happen about half the time. Just a little observation. We dealt with some parking violations next. Quite a step down from yesterday’s bank robbery. This appears to be an average policing day in Averno City. Vandals, hooligans, busy work, you know.

And suddenly, Nick found himself in a helicopter. Why are they letting him drive the chopper? He’s in the helicopter because everyone is really impressed with how he applied himself during the bank robbery, it seems, and he’s flying it because … gameplay? I don’t think he’s actually the one with the controls in-universe.

Anyway, the police work continued, including looking for speeders and tackling an old lady who made a run for it. I made a couple of observations here. Firstly, the walking animations are a little odd and jerky, and secondly, the NPC vehicle AI is kind of dumb whenever there’s a crash or a queue. Also, if you look too closely at the city, you’ll notice that the same store fronts and advertisement billboards are reused a lot and repeat quite close together. Don’t look too closely, okay!

Oh, and one more observation; the civilians who randomly walk around occasionally reference films of the era the game is trying to evoke with random quotes. I’ve noticed Scarface, Bladerunner, and Gremlins references so far.

There was a steel mill shout-out next, and it seems that The Precinct really wants to balance everyday police work with action movie stuff. We were investigating the August Gang at this point, the guys who did the bank heist, and there are two detective types involved, Ferrera and Li. No one is super memorable still, though. After the steel mill affair, Chief Jackson talked about Nick’s dad and how they never found the killer. I guess this’ll be the main focus of the story. Chief Jackson says that Nick’s dad would be proud. After this bit there’s a lingering drone-style shot of the city with a song that has vocals in it. We’ve opened up a new area called West Averno Bridges. The song was great, by the way.

Next up was our first day where we were left to go out on our own and patrol. You kind of walk around while the game regularly throws encounters at you, and you have to react to them according to the cop handbook. How much experience you get depends on how well you do, and it was pretty easy, although I did let a couple of criminals get away when there was more than one perp involved. Oh well, I’m sure they’ll see the error of their ways.

After this shift on the Chinatown beat I was introduced to a posh, British-sounding guy back at the station who was talking about some things that have gone missing. I didn’t catch what had gone missing exactly as I was checking the use by date on some salad dressing in real life. Yep, that’s right, it was time to go shopping. End of session one.

Session 2 – 23^rd June

We started off this second session with an objective to investigate a suspicious object at a bank. It was a museum artefact in a case, a key to be exact. I don’t really know what’s going on with this quest line, I must admit. I was struck again by how awesome the music is, though.

On the way back from this minor call-out Nick, Kelly, and I caught a car-jacker and a litterer. The litterer took off at speed and ran down a civilian. He was also carrying counterfeit jewels. Book ’em, that’s what I say.

After that shift, the female officer in the white shirt mentioned an opportunity to go undercover in some illegal street races. This is an excuse to drive like a crazy bastard in a few locations around the city. We did a few of these and managed to win them all after a few tries. The races reminded me of an awesome video I watched on YouTube by Dungeon Chill about a super cool Japan-only PS1 game called Racing Lagoon. You should watch it. It’s here.

Some other miscellaneous things to report as Nick, Kelly, and me caused more damage around town; I witnessed another film reference, RoboCop this time. “I’d buy that for a dollar” someone blurted out randomly and without context. Also, I found that if you’re doing a foot patrol, it’s pointless responding to dispatches because you’ll never get to your car and make it to the crime on time. It doesn’t matter, though, there are always more crimes. Lastly, the gang we were investigating here is called the Crimson Serpents. It sounds like something from Cyberpunk 2077, which I’ve been very tempted to play lately.

Anyway, we chased a Crimson Serpents member, Weaver, to the top of a building, and an apparently crooked cop called Choi was talking to her. After a shoot-out with some gang members both Choi and Weaver were arrested, and Nick went into the interrogation room with Li to talk to Choi. Li’s voice actor was exposed a bit when he had to get angry here, but it’s okay. Choi protested his innocence but then started asking for a trade. Which is it, Choi? After this exchange, we were told we needed to start investigating the other gang known as the Lockjaws. Time for more police work!

I was winding down by this point as the wife had gotten home, but there were a few antics of note. One drink driver tried to make a run for it and Kelly tried to taze her but hit Nick instead. That was kind of amusing. I also got Nick killed for the first time while my wife and daughter were watching. A car-jacker opened fire during a chase and I made Nick get out of the cop car when we got close, resulting in him getting run over numerous times. Another car-jacker case just after this ended in chaos, too, with me not noticing that he’d pulled over and got out of the car and making Nick smash into him. He survived, though, and was promptly arrested. I’m starting to realise that The Precinct is a game of chaos, and I’m not sure it is entirely realistic. Fun though, I’m enjoying it more as it opens up and takes off the training wheels. Have I mentioned the music is really good? See you next session.

Session 3 – 27^th June

Session three will be a quick one. I wanted to play because I haven’t found time in a while, what with work and life and stuff, but I didn’t have long before I had to head back out into the (currently very warm) outside world.

We chose to start off with the most exciting kind of shift; issuing parking tickets! Work and life got in the way in-game as well, though, as Nick only managed to issue one ticket for a parking violation and otherwise resolved a mugging, lost a car thief who thieved a car right in front of him, and lost the cop car so had to walk back to the station. He did a street race and a time trial on the way to the shift too. We got a gold time on the time trial, and while achieving this feat we smashed through lots of stuff that I’m pretty sure is designed to stop speeding cars, like traffic barriers and things.

On the way back from the shift we stopped into a bar to speak to an informant guy, but were called to a homicide scene by Ferrera. A grisly scene it was too, with a dead fellow covered in dollar bills and with his fists stuck in his mouth. We identified him as a guy involved in a Ponzi scheme. A Ponzi scheme! I recently learned what that is thanks to ambiguousamphibian, one of my favourite YouTubers.

We started the next shift, Nick, Kelly, and I, and I chose to go on another parking violation hunt, but my real-life alarm went off and it was time to go do real-life stuff. Those dastardly parking law violators will just have to get away with it for another day!

Session 4 – 27^th June

This next short session began with a hunt for people who park bad. You know, bad parkers. It was amusing because we were ignoring car-jackings, muggings, and the like to concentrate on people who’d parked facing the wrong way on the street. I’m pretty sure that isn’t a crime here in England, by the way.

After this shift, we had to go and see Ferrera again, this time at the morgue. The guy who was killed was immobilised by a paralytic agent before the deed and was choked with cash. Nasty. Ferrera told us to get back to the murder scene to question the neighbours, but we had a perp in the car, so had to go back to the station first. When we did do the questioning, an old lady spoke to us through an intercom and said something about a white or nearly-white car.

Lots of miscellaneous police work followed this. Some highlights included Nick being shot by someone who was getting mugged while he was trying to arrest their mugger, and calling in an escort unit to take a perp back and watching them fly onto the scene in reverse in a battered cop car, disappear behind a building, come back onto the scene while knocking over a street lamp before disappearing behind another building, only for the cop to run around the corner moments later on foot. It was a very “don’t worry, everything is under control” moment. My daughter was watching at the time and we laughed heartily. Everything, from a car-jacking to a litter infraction, has a high chance of ending in absolute chaos in this game, and I like that very much. The NPC cops are wild.

The next shift was interrupted by another “stiff”, this time up on a rooftop. Ferrera was there again, and this victim was hanging upside down next to a rooftop narcotics plantation. Tied up with her plants, apparently. A Ponzi schemer and a drug grower – sounds like we’ve got a vigilante on our hands.

They’d have to wait, though, as it was time for me to take my daughter to her school disco. She wore a Lego Ninjago t-shirt and Pokémon jogging bottoms. Not big on dressing up, that one.

Session 5 – 28^th June

This session started off with a chopper shift! Helicopter patrols, I guess somewhat unsurprisingly, feel kind of distant and disconnected. You fly around, spying on crooks from above, and deploying squad cars, foot cops, and stingers, and the NPC cops tend to put stingers in dumb places. It’s more fun being in amongst it, but flying the chopper is a cool vibe, nonetheless. You can’t crash it, though. At least it seems that way to me. It just seems to bounce off buildings or clip through them.

Following this airborne shift, Nick, Kelly, and I did a whole host of normal shifts. There wasn’t much in the way of story progression for quite a while, just arrests, a couple of races, and some general nonsense. We were building up evidence to investigate the Crimson Serpents and Lockjaws.

Eventually we got another call from Ferrera regarding a third stiff, this one found in a subway station. It’s related to the vigilante guy again, as this time it’s an extortionist who’s gotten himself the wrong side of our serial psycho. We also got all of the evidence for the next Crimson Serpents guy during this time, too, so that’s who we’re investigating next.

The next Serpent is called Popov, and the cops catch him thanks once again to Nick’s unlikely helicopter driving skills. In the interrogation room Popov is a bit of a jerk about Nick’s dad. What a jerk! Li sends Nick out of the interrogation room so that he doesn’t have to listen to a gangster be a jerk about his dad.

More shifts followed, and I saw a random civilian say “eat my shorts, man”. That’s a reference to a quite obscure TV show called The Simpsons. This TV show debuted in 1989, apparently, so I’m guessing this person was a time traveller.

Following our encounter with this anachronistic malcontent, Nick, Kelly, and I finished our shift and found that we had enough evidence to go after the first Lockjaw suspect. It’ll have to wait, though. I’ve been playing for a while, and it’s really, really warm at the moment. Time for a rest.

Session 6 – 30^th June

We went after Viper Vega of the Lockjaws to start off this session. He sounds like a Rock ‘n’ Roll Racing character, but apparently he’s in a band called Caviar Lockjaw, who are something to do with the gang. They had been mentioned before but I’d kind of forgotten about them. This is starting to feel a little bit like that early mission in RoboCop: Rogue City, though, with the punk gang and the band.

We saw a parking violation on the way and stopped the car to hand out a ticket, but the game doesn’t seem to let you do such things when on the way to a story mission. The prompt comes up, but nothing happens when you hold the button. That dastardly curb parker will just have to get away with it.

When we found Vega he looked like a member of that gang from the RoboCop game as well, but we didn’t get a concert. Also, a gruff Cockney voice didn’t really go with his name or vibe. Anyway, we booked him after a short shoot-out.

Nick, Kelly, and I embarked on a regular shift after this. It started out with some guy randomly shooting at us from his car window. We killed him (lawfully) and then got a call from an anonymous tipster about a phone booth near the hospital. It turned out to be the serial killer vigilante guy with a voice changer and he (or she) sent us off on a wild goose chase around the city. I didn’t mind, though, because it was quite fun to drive fast with the sirens on without having to chase someone. This escapade was all dressed up as an opportunity to save his next target, but when we got to the goal there was just a hanging crash test dummy at the docks. There was a card with a pattern on it there. I haven’t been mentioning these cards, but they were left at all the murder scenes. Nick arranged them into a scales of justice emblem. Well done Nick.

Another normal shift followed after this. It was quite a long one with lots of arrests made for various infractions. A particular highlight consisted of getting shot at by a couple of Lockjaw gangsters, arresting one straight away, and then commandeering their own van to chase down the other one and shoot him dead. He had it coming.

Just before packing it in for this session we encountered another random NPC spouting another random film reference. “Here’s Johnny!” he said. Who just randomly blurts that out while walking through a dark alleyway in the middle of the night? Crazy people, that’s who. Should have arrested him.

We’re pretty close to gathering enough evidence to go after the next Lockjaw and the next Crimson Serpent, so I expect we’ll be doing that next session. See you then!

Session 7 – 2^nd July

This was my first session on The Precinct where I wasn’t melting from the heat. We’re having a very hot spell here in the South-West of England. I’ve still got the back door wide open even now, but there’s a nice breeze coming through. Nick, Kelly, and I did some general shift work and I had a few observations. Firstly, I spotted a guy with a “repent your sins” sandwich board thing, which was cool and definitely appropriate for the era. Secondly, whenever you get in the car and drive off, there’s a little notice that comes up saying “wait for Kelly”, but you don’t have to wait for Kelly, you can drive off and leave him alone, and he’ll magically be in the car if he needs to be for gameplay or story purposes. It’s just as well since half the time he either stands around or runs off somewhere. Lastly, loads of people in Averno City seem to have the surname, Bosson. Must be a big family.

Anyway, after this shift we went after the next Jawhead, Aggro Annie. Yes, I said Jawhead, not Lockjaw. I’ve been getting the gang’s name wrong this whole time. I must have got the gang and the band mixed up. We nabbed Annie with our helicopter powers after she and her pals blew up some billboards. I must admit I’m only half paying attention to the dialogue a lot of the time now, so I’m not sure exactly why she was blowing up billboards. Probably a political statement.

During our next shift we got called back to the docks to see if there were any leads regarding the crash dummy thing. We got a plate on the suspicious white car, and it belongs to a lawyer! We went to see him. His name was Fletcher Lomax and he was basically an American Psycho reference with a definite Christian Bale vibe. On the way to his house I spotted a billboard for something called a HAL 9000 computer as well. 2001: A Space Odyssey has got to be one of the most referenced movies of all time.

After another standard shift with all the usual antics and chaos and, I have to admit, jank, we went after Wong, the head of the Crimson Serpents. After a shoot-out we caught him down by the docks and locked him away. He ain’t talkin’ though.

We then got another call from Ferrera to check on a former client of Lomax, and caught him in the act. He drove away and there was a short car chase. The squad car we called as back-up rammed him off the harbour wall and into the ocean, and then drove into the drink with him. These CPU controlled cops are insane bastards. Luckily, both the cop and Lomax managed to swim to the surface. Nick caught Lomax when he climbed a nearby ladder back onto dry land. He is in jail now. He thought he was a hero. Thus ends another night of absolute chaos on the streets of Averno City. This game is so broken, but I kind of love it for that. Some of the time, at least.

Session 8 – 7^th July

I’ve had my birthday since the last session, which means two things. One; I’m slightly hungover. Two; I have a couple of new games I want to be playing, so let’s get this one ticked off, yeah?

Session eight started off with shift work. The only thing of note was when the shift ended and the cop car was too far away so Nick broke into a civilian vehicle and used that to drive home. We also managed to get the gold time in a really tricky waterside time trial.

Time to get down to business, though, as we’re going after Razor next, the top man of the Jawheads. This, as seems to often be the case, boiled down to a rooftop shoot-out followed by a car chase. It was only during this exchange of ammunition that I figured out the reload button. You have to tap the button that you hold to put the gun away. I don’t think the game ever mentioned this.

Once we’d put Razor away Nick was called in by Chief Jackson. At first the game was trying to trick me into thinking Nick had to investigate Kelly behind his back, but it was just a secret mission to get a cake for Kelly’s retirement party.

I had to pause the session here, as it was time for lunch (salad) and some birthday cake. Life imitating art, you might say. Once the session was back in … session, Nick and I drove to Kelly’s party, and I saw a Blue Harvest neon sign. That’s a reference, right? Something to do with Star Wars? Anyway, Kelly gave a nice speech at a rooftop bar, but the cop who works in the evidence office wanted to talk to Nick, and it turns out he found a letter addressed to Nick from his dad. Nick bailed on the party to go back to the station and read it, and it implied that the Chief knew more about Nick’s dad’s murder than he revealed. Unfortunately, the Chief came back and caught Nick snooping around. Now we’re in trouble.

After being sent on parking infraction and littering duty as punishment, Nick and Kelly decided to look into Chief Jackson, and caught him talking to Antonio, the informant guy we’d been speaking to at the pub to get information on the various gangsters. Nick went into a warehouse to follow the Chief, but Antonio was waiting, and bonked him on the head. Nick woke up tied to a chair and Antonio revealed that Nick’s dad and the Chief were on the take. He was going to kill Nick but Kelly busted in and saved the day. It turned out that Antonio was in charge of the August Gang, and with the Jawheads and Crimson Serpents out of the way (mainly thanks to Antonio’s info) the August Gang could get to robbing again. Another bank robbery was reported, and it was time for another shoot-out.

About halfway through this shoot-out Nick and Kelly caught some radio chatter between Antonio and the Chief, and for some reason that I kind of missed they’re on top of the bar we’ve been meeting him in. Nick and Kelly totally bail on the bank robbery shoot-out and go after Antonio and Chief Jackson instead. Another rooftop shoot-out ensues, and Antonio was a bit of a bullet sponge, but Nick took him down in the end, and he flew off the side of the building like a ragdoll. Entertaining.

With the Chief safe, he spilled the beans that he and Nick’s dad aided Antonio in exchange for dirt on all the top gangsters because they were underfunded, and told Nick about a secret safe in his office that had evidence that would blow the whole thing wide open. The game then gave Nick, and by extension, me, a choice. Would we destroy the evidence and save the department’s reputation, or publish it? I believe that, in the long run, honesty always turns out to be the best policy, and I feel like Nick would do the same, so we drove all the way to the news building and gave the evidence to the sexy journalist, Bree Bookman. Then, Nick went back to work.

Cue the end credits, along with some nice music, and a night-time flyover of the city. I didn’t expect to be finishing The Precinct today, but here we are at the end. A little epilogue revealed that they removed Nick’s dad’s monument, and then there was a short scene introducing the new chief, Yasmin Singh, and a quick reveal that Kelly is un-retiring. He better pay me back for that retirement cake.

Honestly, The Precinct is such a broken game. When you bring a perp back to the station to be booked, the cop who comes to put them in the holding cell cannot do so without walking into things and getting stuck on things. When cops come to pick up perps you’ve arrested out in the city they will park really far away, take ages to walk over to the criminal (if they make it at all) and then stand around doing nothing after they’ve put them into the car. Kelly will often run off instead of getting into the car when he needs to. The Precinct provides the facade of a functioning city, but the simulation doesn’t stand up to even minimal scrutiny.

There are other issues, too. The shift work can get repetitive, and you’ll find yourself ignoring certain crimes because they’re just outside your patrol area or because they’re not specifically the type of crime you’re looking for that day. This might all be a big statement on the state of real policing, but I wouldn’t know, and it kind of breaks the immersion.

Still, during the story missions, or when a car chase breaks out and hilarious chaos ensues, or even when you’re just cruising around the city in the rain with the lights reflecting on the road and the synthwave soundtrack carrying you along on blissful, neon waves, The Precinct is a lot of fun. It comes highly recommended for lovers of justice, chaos, and the eighties who are capable of tolerating a lot of jank.

Well, that’s the end of this game diary. I can go back and do shifts and earn XP and things, but if I do I won’t write about it. Thanks for reading what I did write, though, citizen. You’re free to go now.

Mario Kart World – Impressions

It’s a Knockout

I bought a Nintendo Switch 2 on the day of release. I’m not actually sure if I’ve ever done this before. Maybe with the PS Vita? I got really caught up in the hype for that one. Let’s hope the Switch 2 lasts a bit longer than Sony’s sleek, handheld, unwanted stepchild, shall we? The only Switch 2 launch game I was interested in was Mario Kart World (I already own Cyberpunk 2077 twice, okay?) so that was all I bought with it, and I spent most of June the 5^th 2025 racing, battling, free-roaming, and unlocking and beating the Special Cup in 150cc. I like playing as Daisy, but she’s not unlocked from the start. I played as Dry Bones, Mario, and the bee for a bit before I unlocked the Queen of Princesses, and then I never looked back.

Mario Kart World handles better than Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. There, I said it. The karts are more satisfying to control and they feel more like they’re doing what you’re telling them to do. It’s probably a me problem, but I would often find myself frustratingly over-steering on tight corners while drifting in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, and trundling off-road, hitting a barrier, or troubling Lakitu. In Mario Kart World when I feel like this oversteer is about to happen I can keep hold of it, and end up hugging the inside line like Travis Pastrana in a flouncy orange dress.

If you jump into that water during free roam, Lakitu will show up and ruin your fun. Only certain bodies of water are accessible. I guess he doesn’t want you to catch a cold.

Being a careful and conscientious kind of fellow, I started playing in 50CC. I do not recommend this if you’re coming from Mario Kart 8 Deluxe as the controls are exactly the same and the handling is close enough that you’ll slide right back into the zone and 50CC will bore you to tears. If you saw all those previewers and YouTubers worrying about the “boring” straightaways during the build up to release, you’re going to live it if you play on 50CC. It’s for young kids and pensioners only. 100CC offers a bit of challenge and the occasional surprise, but 150CC is where it’s at. It feels fast, there’s plenty of chaos, and the other drivers will trouble you for most of the race.

Mario Kart World looks fantastic. The environments are wonderfully designed and the weather effects and skyboxes are gorgeous. As you progress through the cups the tracks really up the ante in spectacle, and there are some awesome moments. My first “okay, this is really fucking good” realisation came during the Wario Stadium circuit later in the Flower Cup that leads into Airship Fortress, and things only escalate from there, culminating in everyone’s favourite kaleidoscopic Mario Kart mainstay. Mario Kart World Rainbow Road is absolutely stunning, by the way. Transcendent, even.

A few of the P-switch missions I’ve encountered involve sliding around on these vines. You’ll tend to mess up if you try and get too fancy, so just keep the stunts to a minimum, okay?

I tried Battle Mode a couple of times. It’s fine, it’s the same as it’s always been. I like that balloon battle is knockout-based again. The arenas are all fairly large so it doesn’t feel overwhelming having 24 characters sliding around everywhere. In fact, you’ll barely see most of the back-markers during standard races, so upping the participant count to 24 seems a little superfluous. It’ll make a difference online, to be sure, but I’ve not dabbled in that yet.

The Knockout Tour is a lot of fun, but again seems geared towards multiplayer. It’s a bit of a shitter to get knocked out late on, but the mode is a good alternative if you fancy something different to standard races. Other than that, the new items seem cool, the costumes are pretty nice (but there aren’t as many as you might hope), and the new characters are cute if you can put aside any misgivings about bats and crabs and other such critters “steering” karts without arms.

Oh yeah, the Free Roam. I like the free roam, but I’m not sure of its lasting appeal. So far, though, I’ve enjoyed mooching around, finding P-switches, and undertaking the little missions. Many of them are tricky enough that you won’t beat them first time, but you can easily restart if you mess up. I’ve found a few Peach Coins and ? Panels, but they only seem to unlock stickers and I haven’t figured out what those do yet.

Would it have been better if they’d brought in some cool characters from the expanded Mario universe (Geno, Vivian, etc…) instead of sticking all these minions in karts? I think so, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

My absolute favourite thing to do in Mario Kart World, though, is race over water. The watery sections of tracks are genuinely spectacular, and tricking off of the crest of the waves as bob-ombs and blue shells cause mini-tsunamis is an absolute blast. Hopefully someone in power at Nintendo will see how cool the water sections of Mario Kart World are and decide to dredge up Wave Race from the depths. We can hope, right?

Jet-ski dreams aside, everyone is talking about the price of Mario Kart World. Is it worth it? That depends on what you’re giving up to afford it. If you’re paying for Mario Kart World instead of feeding your children this week, then I’d probably recommend that you rethink your purchase. If you’re sacrificing a night out on the town for it, then yeah, you’ll probably get more out of this in the long run. Mario Kart World isn’t the next step in gaming, it’s not the ultimate, endless, open world experience that justifies the price hike, it’s just a really good Mario Kart game. It’s possibly the best Mario Kart game yet. I don’t know, just buy it if you want, I guess. I’m not your mum.

Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master – Retro Review

The Ninja Game That Ex-Zeeds Expectations

My most successful writing endeavour to date was a script I put together for the TripleJump YouTube channel about the ten most disturbing 16-bit video game bosses. I had the idea for the list myself and it ended up performing incredibly well. At the time, most TripleJump videos would get 20k to 30k views in the first week or so, and this one rocketed up to the hundreds of thousands. The algorithm must have really liked it, I guess. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, and to my eternal shame I forgot to put the Vortex Queen from Ecco the Dolphin at number one, but I’m still very proud of it.

The whole idea was spawned by a boss from Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master on the Mega Drive. The game’s third stage, ominously named “Body Weapon”, is set in a laboratory complex where the bad guys are brewing up disgusting minions in bio-vats. Slime-covered humanoids emerge from biological waste beneath the floor and brain monsters with insectoid wings lurk on the ceilings, ready to pounce on unsuspecting infiltrating covert operatives.

Towards the end of the stage Joe Musashi, the titular Shinobi, will find himself up to his shins in organic matter in the sewers beneath the laboratory complex, and a gigantic and grotesque figure emerges from the waste in the background, spewing energy projectiles at our beleaguered hero. This creature is known as Hydra, and at the end of the stage Joe will come face to hideous face with it. Hydra’s pixelated horror is a perfect representation of how developers from the 16-bit era managed to expertly create uncanny abominations using the limited resources at their disposal. Limitation breeds creativity, as they say.

When Joe isn’t desperately battling gigantic, malformed, pulsating, atomic beam-belching monstrosities in infested sewer systems, he can be found traversing various cool action movie-style locations while taking on the rest of Neo Zeed’s minions. The game starts out in a forest teeming with enemy ninja that leads to a series of watery caverns, but soon enough Joe will be fighting on horseback under a stormy sky, traversing an industrial facility in a burning wood, crossing a bay on a cool, motorised surfboard thing, leaping from falling rocks in a moonlit ravine, and much more. Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master is full of awesome set-pieces that make it that bit more memorable that its predecessor, The Revenge of Shinobi.

This game convinced me that I wasn’t cool enough to grow up to be a ninja.

Unlike that game, Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master didn’t benefit from the craft of 16-bit musical legend, Yuzo Koshiro, but the team of composers that were brought on board for the follow up still did a stellar job, providing a distinct soundtrack full of epic highlights. The strange yet bombastic tones of “My Dear D”, the music that accompanies the aforementioned Hydra battle, are a huge contributing factor to that section of the game’s ability to stay with me for all of these years, but the entire adventure is backed up by blood-pumping and thematically appropriate tunes.

The gameplay was tweaked since The Revenge of Shinobi, and progress is a bit easier overall. Joe can now dash, and is able to perform a super-stylish flying kick and an awesome-looking running slash that comes complete with a generous helping of invincibility frames. He can also leap from wall to wall, which results in some interesting level layouts that test Joe’s newfound agility. While still difficult at times, Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master goes for spectacle over challenge, and if you know me, you know I’ll take awesome moments and memorable set-pieces over controller-biting difficulty levels any day of the week.

There are a couple of sections in the game that slightly interfere with the pacing, like this slow-moving lift section crawling with Zeed soldiers.

Alas, if you’re a strictly physical-only gamer (which I totally respect) Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master is a little bit expensive to get hold of nowadays. I think it’s a better time than The Revenge of Shinobi (which I also adore, by the way), but is it £100 better? Probably not. Still, with Lizardcube’s Shinobi: Art of Vengeance a few months away at the time of writing, Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master is the best Shinobi game out there in my opinion, and provides a non-stop roller-coaster of awesome, ’90s ninja-based action. Watch out for that third boss, though. Hydra has a tendency to stick with you, even more so than the Vortex Queen, apparently.

The Ooze – Retro Review

It’s Slime Time

An oft-forgotten monster type in the preternatural pantheon (unless you’re a fan of JRPGs or Dungeons & Dragons, that is) is the humble ooze or slime. These corpulent masses of gelatinous gunk used to be a mainstay of the big screen in the era of B-movie horror, with Steve McQueen’s The Blob leading the way and such masterpieces as X the Unknown and Caltiki – The Immortal Monster also getting in on the sentient slime action.

Not to be outdone, Sega Technical Institute came up with the idea for a 16-bit video game with a focus on vengeful viscosity, offering ’90s kids the chance to live out every gamer’s dreams of becoming a formless, quivering mass of repulsive goop. They unleashed The Ooze in 1995.

The game is at its most entertaining when you’re slithering through cramped areas and Dr. Caine’s form assumes the shape of its surroundings.

The game kicks off with a simple cutscene detailing the dramatic story of how the titular ooze came to be. A scientist known as Dr. D. Caine uncovers a plot at a chemical plant involving an evil corporation unleashing a toxic gas amongst the populace and then making a killing selling the serum that cures its effects. Shocked and ashamed, as Dr. Caine was the one who invented the gas, our hero tries to put a stop to the corporation’s nefarious plans, only to be captured, injected with gunk, and disposed of with the rest of the sludge. The bad news for the bad guys is that Dr. Caine survived, gained a new, goopy form, and is out to stop their schemes and regain his humanity.

This schlocky set-up results in a top-down action adventure in which players are responsible for guiding the puddle that was Dr. Caine through a variety of levels, slapping various enemies with extendible, gooey tendrils, and utilising goop-spitting attacks to clear the way. As the ooze comes into contact with environmental hazards or enemy attacks the puddle will shrink in size, with Dr. Caine’s adventure coming to an untimely, slithery end if the puddle gets too small or his goopy head takes too many hits.

Dr. Caine’s fate is actually pretty brutal when you think about it.

Alas, controlling this bilious mass is a mixed bag. While it’s fairly satisfying to slither around and squeeze our slippery hero through gaps and around terrain, the choppy animation and lack of visual clarity as to Dr. Caine’s status do detract from the overall experience. It can be difficult to tell just how close our oozy hero is to expiration, resulting in some surprising game overs, and discouraging use of Caine’s slime spit attack as it takes away from his sludge reserves.

When it comes to presentation, The Ooze isn’t one of the Mega Drive’s finest. Sega Technical Institute, an American branch of the Japanese giant, were also responsible for Sonic the Hedgehog Spinball, and some similarities in the music and visual style are apparent, but that game is much more aesthetically and aurally memorable than this one. If The Ooze looked and sounded more like Sonic Spinball’s toxic caves opening level, it might have lingered longer in the minds and hearts of gamers, but it was not to be. Instead, The Ooze is a little bland visually and, in the earlier stages at least, looks strangely reminiscent of Bitmap Brothers’, The Chaos Engine, although less coherent in its artistic vision.

The Ooze got a fairly negative reception upon release, but this seems a little unfair. It’s an interesting game that’s entirely unique on the console. Moving the goopy protagonist around the stages is fun in its own way, and slurping up goop dropped by enemies to further bolster our hero’s mucilaginous form is a satisfying mechanic. The team at Sega Technical Institute had some great ideas, and for the most part, they implemented them well, but it just needed some additional polish and personality to take it to that next level of quality.

The game is actually kind of hard. You might find it easy though, being such an expert and everything.

It’s a tad expensive to pick up a complete copy nowadays, but if you do find the concept interesting and can play The Ooze through other means, I recommend giving it a go. You should at least have a decent amount of fun enveloping the minions of the evil corporation in your slithering, overwhelming, coagulated, quivering folds. That’ll show ’em ooze boss.

This article was written for a now-defunct Sega magazine and never used. Played on Mega Drive via emulation.

Foundation

A City-Builder That You Just Might Dig

Developed by Polymorph Games and reaching full release on 31^st January 2025, Foundation is a laid-back city-builder with a peaceful, pastel tone and a light-hearted approach. The game launched into early access on 1^st February 2019 and, according to my Steam purchase history, I picked it up in March of 2019. It wasn’t much of a game back then – the UI was an ugly mess, the graphics were super-basic, the tech trees were incomplete, and much of the gameplay was totally unrefined. That’s the nature of early access, and it’s not something I mess with often, but something possessed me back in those care-free, pre-pandemic days, and now that the game is finally out, I definitely don’t regret buying it.

The main thing that Foundation does to differentiate itself from similar city-builders is its organic building placement. There’s no grid system, and the player doesn’t place roads, with paths occurring naturally on regularly used thoroughfares, just like the classic Settlers games. You can place any building absolutely anywhere inside your territory and your villagers will react accordingly once they’ve been assigned to the jobs there. Residential buildings are zoned rather than placed directly, with players using a paintbrush tool to highlight areas where the villagers can build their houses, and this same tool is used to highlight which resources should be extracted and even which areas your villagers aren’t allowed to tread.

Did you ever play with plastic farm animals and fences when you were a kid? This is that, but digitally.

Certain buildings are heavily customisable, from churches to inns to castles, and even the lord’s manor. When planning such works of architectural wonder, you’ll be selecting from various rooms, entrances, wings and decorations until you’ve got the layout you like, and once things are finalised your builders will get to work – if they’re not buying berries from the local market or sitting around on a bench, that is. The decorations will tend to increase your settlement’s “splendor” in one of three categories; labour, kingdom, and clergy, which will unlock new levels of building in these categories. Labour tends to encompass your market and your lord’s manor, clergy goes towards churches and monasteries, and kingdom grants you the ability to fortify your settlement and build watchtowers and castles. Fully upgrading these majestic works tend to be your end goal, and depending on whether you’re feeling regal, religious, or like a man of the people, you can choose an appropriate goal at the start of the game, or just do whatever you want and treat the whole thing like a big, medieval sandbox.

Foundation strikes an addictive balance between keeping things relaxing while still providing moderately challenging resource chains and progression requirements to get to grips with. It’s not difficult to get high level residential areas in your growing town, but it’ll take some time and provide you plenty to think about along the way. You might even need to partake in a bit of forward planning.

The higher-level residential buildings require nearby beautification, paved roads, and more. Fussy, these posh types.

The game’s visuals match its laid-back vibe, with cartoony villagers and brightly-coloured houses all nestled into a cosy, storybook countryside. At times, especially once I started to surround my settlement with a lovely palisade fence, Foundation’s visuals really took me back to my childhood days of lying on the sofa reading Asterix comics, and that’s a good thing. At the time of writing there is no day/night cycle, but you can manually change the visual ambience from daylight to rainy to night-time and to sunset, just in case you want to imagine the diminutive Gaul and his pals enjoying a lavish victory banquet under the setting sun right there in your village. There are enough boars in the forests to keep Obelix busy, that’s for sure.

While Foundation does enable you to build castles, erect defensive walls, and enlist soldiers, there is no combat in the game (again, at the time of writing), with soldiers instead sent out on missions, earning your settlement reputation and occasionally bringing back spoils. Your villagers will also appreciate feeling secure, with a decent level of local fortifications and patrols being prerequisites for higher density housing. If you want actual fighting, though, you’re probably better off with Manor Lords.

“If you find yourself riding alone through green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium, and you’re already dead!”

Incidentally, the mighty Manor Lords, still in early access at the time of writing, is another game that I bought before its full release. While the two games go for completely different visual styles, and Foundation doesn’t seem to concern itself too much with historical accuracy, the two games have very similar mechanics. It’s not exactly fair to compare a game that’s fully released with a game that’s still in early access, but I will say that I enjoy Foundation more than I enjoy Manor Lords for now. Obviously, this could change drastically, but as things stand, I’d heartily recommend Foundation for those who’re still finding Manor Lords a bit short on content and goals, and don’t mind some cartoony visuals in lieu of Manor Lords’ historically accurate buildings and gorgeous rolling hills that look exactly like the views from nearby beauty spots here in sunny Somerset.

Foundation doesn’t go for this kind of realism, but if you like the idea of an organically growing cartoon village, customisable buildings and monuments, and a low-pressure, relaxing sandbox to lord over your bright-eyed little medieval peasants in, then you should definitely give it a try. It’s easy to pick up and quite difficult to put down. The gradual progress is addictive and the constant balancing act of keeping your villagers happy and your supply lines running makes it far too easy to just keep playing, even if you really need to be cooking dinner or picking up the child from her youth club or whatever. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience.

A sprawling monastery overlooks a developing town, and in the distance, the beginnings of a mighty fortress stand atop a hill.

If you remember playing the classic Settlers games, and occasionally miss its light-hearted, addictive style (and the way the roads and paths appear organically), then Foundation will definitely scratch that itch. If not, then give it a try anyway, you might find yourself fascinated by your organically growing medieval settlement, and become enthralled in the act of creating a beautiful little ancient Gaulish village of your own. Watch out for Romans, though, okay?

Gauntlet IV

Warrior, Valkyrie, Wizard, Elf, and a Couple of Legendary Bards

The idea of the Gauntlet games always appealed to me as a kid. It had that exotic-yet-comfortable classic fantasy vibe, featuring swords and sorcery, Valkyries and barbarians, and hordes of evil minions to slay in the name of justice (probably, I never paid too much attention to the storyline), but it combined this with a heavy dose of good old-fashioned, co-operative multiplayer. The venerable series takes an arcadey approach to dungeon crawling, with its fast-paced, projectile-based combat, maze-like levels, and constantly dwindling health reserves designed to suck up your coins, and leaves concepts like party management and stat wrangling to the likes of Wizardry and SSI’s Gold Box series of stuffy D&D games.

In 1993, a game called Gauntlet IV was released exclusively for the Sega Mega Drive. Developed by M2 and published by Tengen, it served as a sequel as well as a remake, providing a port of the original game as its “Arcade Mode”, and adding in a unique “Quest Mode”, where players could purchase items and access limited character levelling.

The controls are tight and it’s satisfying to lay waste to hordes of enemies. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, though.

The game is good; a very competent translation of Atari’s original title with plenty of added content and four player multiplayer available across Arcade, Quest, and Battle modes. The tried-and-tested Gauntlet gameplay survives intact and the twists put on the formula by M2 are welcome. The graphics are fine, if a little dull (the dragon bosses added in Quest Mode are very flat and barely-animated), the digitised voices are kind of a mess but have a janky charm, and there’s enough content to keep enthusiasts occupied for weeks. A sterling game, but unremarkable by the stellar standards of the Mega Drive’s top titles. Here in 2025, Gauntlet IV is all but forgotten, and it’s no real surprise, as there isn’t a whole lot about the game that makes it stand out.

Well, apart from the fucking incredible music, that is.

That’s right – this isn’t one of my retro reviews, this is a love letter to one of the most overlooked soundtracks on Sega’s 16-bit banger factory, as when it comes to perfectly-realised musical accompaniment, Gauntlet IV is (in my opinion) right up there alongside the three big S’s, Sonic the Hedgehog, Shinobi, and Streets of Rage. The soundtrack was produced by a pair of musical wizards; Hiroshi Sakimoto and Masaharu Iwata, whose best-known works include Final Fantasy Tactics and Final Fantasy XII, and combines Conan-style, bleak, heroic fantasy fare with atmospheric electronica to masterful affect.

It may not look like much, but by the four elemental towers does it sound great.

If you look up this soundtrack on YouTube or some other soundtrack-storing app or website, you’ll find that the first five tracks consist of a somewhat generic-sounding main title theme followed by four tempo-shifted versions of a rather grating “Treasure Room” song. You’d be forgiven for writing off the soundtrack as forgettable, uninspired plinky-plonk at this point, but I advise pushing on through, as 16-bit, dark fantasy masterpieces await the determined.

For the last part of this article, just for fun and to indulge myself a bit, I’m going to pick out some of the musical highlights and attempt to flex my creative writing muscles to describe the atmosphere each tune evokes to me. If you read this, perhaps check out the soundtrack and see if it takes you to the same magical places.

Whisper of Phantom

A lone traveller crosses a barren swamp where once a great battle was fought. The warrior’s heartbeat pulses, gripped with fear as he peers into the unnatural darkness, the shapes of twisted trees and the shattered remnants of ancient fortifications looming like spectres from an unnatural mist. Hulking scavenger birds peer from their gnarled perches and unseen creatures skulk in the muck and fog. A lonely pipe or flute plays a distant, unsettling tune that calls to the ghosts of warriors that still haunt this place, the notes occasionally threatening to bring a tone of hope, but always descending into loss and loneliness, perfectly suited to this forsaken, haunted land.

Sortie

A hero returns home from a triumphant victory, the high walls of the city topped with rows of baying admirers and draped with shining pennants. The hero has triumphed through strength of arms, and his servants bring carts loaded with treasures from another land and decorated with grizzly trophies of an ancient and hated foe. The people are elated, foreseeing a time of wealth and plenty, but every great victory comes at a cost, and an ominous, orange sun sets as the mighty gates close behind the hero’s retinue, painting the city’s walls in a blood-red glow. Tonight, though, is a time for rejoicing. They can worry about the future tomorrow.

Adventures of Iron

A band of stalwart warriors defend the walls of a mountain fortress as a storm descends across the walls. The fortress is a rare bastion of good in a barren and savage land, and dark hordes accompanied by furious beasts ascend the rocky slopes. Lumbering giants scale the walls with ease, only to be met by the axes and arrows of the heroic defenders, and minions of the dark gods astride snapping wyvern mounts descend from the darkened skies, but many are brought low by hurtling ballista bolts, their winged corpses crashing on the mountainside below. The tide of the battle is slowly turning. This encounter will be hard fought yet, but beams of golden light begin to penetrate the clouds.

Transparent Obstacle

A group of adventurers have been tempted into a crystalline cave by a malicious spirit. Deep inside, a supernatural light shimmers along shining surfaces, and all sense of space is lost. Powerful treasures and untold riches sit in out-of-reach places beyond thick walls of clear crystal. A jade statuette appears to move out of the corner of an eye, a spoke of radiant, near-invisible thread seems to vibrate, like the web of some unseen arachnid. A passage descends into the earth, both ominous and enticing. The adventurers gather their wits and press onwards, and from some unseen location, an unknown intelligence watches them closely through the eyes of its skittering familiars.

There you go, and I only used a thesaurus once.

Drainus

Not Without My Drainus

I don’t feel all that qualified to assess Drainus. I really like a good shoot-’em-up, and have lots of respect and nostalgia for the genre, but I’m actually shockingly bad at them. Whether I was begging my parents for change just to instantly get shot down on the 1942 arcade machine they had at a local pub, or never getting past the first level on the likes of Hellfire and Thunderforce II on the Mega Drive, I don’t exactly have the skill-set to excel at anything resembling “bullet hell”.

Drainus is fucking cool, though. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that title obviously doesn’t come across very well to a native English speaker, but everything else about the game is about as close to perfect as a shoot-’em-up can get.

In Drainus, which was initially released in 2022 and developed by Team Ladybug (who also developed one of my game diary subjects, Record of Lodoss War: Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth), players take on the role of Irina, a young lady with a strong sense of justice and a haircut that made me think she was a boy. She’s an excellent pilot, and she’s been hiding out from an evil space empire while trying to find a cure for her extremely sick “daddy”.

It’s probably not hardcore enough to be called Bullet Hell by real genre aficionados. Bullet Heck, maybe?

She’s accompanied by a time-travelling “humanoid” pilot called Ghenie, who looks like something in between Slippy Toad and the drummer from Interstella 5555, and between the two of them they have to fight through the Kharlal Empire’s humongous fleet of deadly weaponry, tie up nasty time paradoxes, and deal with Irina’s sister, Layla, who happens to be second-in-command of the Empire’s forces (and yes, even though she’s clearly older and more together, she refers to their dad as “daddy”, too).

Luckily, thanks to Ghenie, Irina has found herself in the pilot seat of a “Drainus”, an advanced experimental craft that can adsorb energy from light-based weapons and unleash it upon the enemy in the form of a powerful homing attack. This ability, on top of presumably being responsible for the game’s unfortunate title, provides Drainus‘ unique twist – a mechanic that allows players to absorb certain types of attack in a similar vein to Ikaruga, and also to take the offensive in interesting ways.

This results in gameplay that encourages a daring play-style. In order to get the upper hand against the swarms of basic enemies, challenging mini-bosses and overwhelming stage bosses, players will have to suck up otherwise devastating beam attacks and unleash them at the right time, taking chunks out of the health bars of hard-to-reach enemies.

There’s also a question of timing, as you can’t just fly your Drainus around without a care in the world, sucking up all of the enemy projectiles willy-nilly. Hold down the button for too long and the ship’s energy absorbing apparatus will fail, leaving you vulnerable while it charges up again. Also, you can’t suck up physical projectiles (handily highlighted with a red outline), so constant vigilance is required.

Throughout the game, players will be collecting power that can be spent at any time in the game’s menu to upgrade their ride’s weapons and other systems, meaning that there’s plenty of different ways to customise your gameplay. You can even upgrade your energy absorption bar, meaning you’ll be able to hold down the button and tank that super-boss’ screen-filling beam weapon for even longer. It’ll make you feel powerful, but you’ll need all that power to take on the rapidly-escalating threat of the legions of bosses, synchronised enemy fleets, and stage obstacles that the game will throw at you.

I actually found myself fairly interested in the story, too, and was invested in how Irina and Layla’s relationship would develop. There’s even a bit of a fake-out ending, and the game handles its time-travel story in a way that keeps things interesting until the very end. That’s coming from someone who has a major aversion to time-travel stories outside the first two Terminator flicks.

Another possible explanation for the game’s unattractive name is that the developers might have wanted it to sound a bit like Darius or Gradius.

The game also lets you continue as much as you want, even saving your progress through a level when you pick it up and try again, and this is the only reason I was capable of finishing the campaign. I got shot down my fair share of times, but I still felt like some kind of badass, bullet hell pro when I saw those credits roll, and I came back for more, too. There are also unlockable difficulty levels and an arcade mode for those looking to prove themselves in the pilot’s seat.

On top of all of its accoutrements and imaginative gameplay elements, though, Drainus manages to do the basic stuff perfectly. The game looks fantastic, the controls are crisp and poised to perfection (the whole thing looks and plays superbly using the Switch’s handheld mode), and the music is toe-tapping throughout.

My favourite power-ups are the ones that attach a formation of blaster-equipped pods to your ship.

I imported the physical Switch version of Drainus based on the fact that I wanted a nice shoot-’em-up on the console and that I’d heard some good things here and there. I’m really glad I did, as Drainus has proven to be yet another prize specimen indie title in my physical Switch collection. With this and Record of Lodoss War: Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth in the bag, Team Ladybug are now two for two on exemplary games that get an emphatic thumbs up from me.

Wait, are Team Ladybug the new Treasure? Drainus certainly feels like a 2D classic in the vein of Treasure’s legendary output, but maybe it’s a little hasty to compare the two just yet. I’ll definitely be keeping an eye on what the ladybugs get up to in the future, though. When they’re not sitting around on leaves eating aphids, that is.

Tumblepop

A Tumble in the Jungle

As a small child with a wide-eyed interest in the natural world, I embarked on one or two trips to a place called the Tropiqaria in West Somerset. It was (and still is) a small tropical house and zoo built in and around an old BBC radio transmitter. I have two memories from visiting the Tropiquaria; one school trip during which I held a snake around my neck (they’re dry, not slimy!) and one trip with my parents where I sank a few coins into the single arcade machine that stood near the snack bar.

Over the following thirty years I would think about this game every now and then, surrounded by snakes, lizards and tropical flora as it was, but could never remember the name. It was a single-screen platformer along the lines of Bomb Jack but with a bit of a Ghostbusters vibe; the characters had vacuum guns with packs on their backs, and you’d suck up enemies into your pack and then fire them at other enemies. It was bright and colourful and whimsical, and something about it burrowed into the back of my mind and found a permanent home there.

Incredibly, by using the modern art of “Googling it” I have managed to identify this mysterious game from my youth, so I’d like to bring your attention to Tumblepop, released in 1991 and developed by Data East. Tumblepop is an arcade platformer for up to two players starring a pair of ghost hunters who travel the world, sucking up spooks and blasting them into their allies. The machine was published by Namco in Japan, a company called Leprechaun Inc. in the US, and a company called Mitchell Corporation in Europe. Despite sounding very English, the Mitchell Corporation was apparently a Japanese developer and publisher, and somehow delivered a Tumblepop cabinet to a random exhibition of tropical animals in the depths of the English West Country. Strange how things work out, isn’t it?

The Japanese stages take place during sunset, just like in Road Rash 3. Wait, it’s probably sunrise, come to think of it.

Thanks to the modern gift of emulation, I spent some time today playing Tumblepop on my desktop PC using a USB Nintendo Switch controller, and I have to say I had a pretty good experience with it, despite there being very few lizards nearby. The game definitely has an air of Bomb Jack about it, with its single-screen layouts and backgrounds featuring world landmarks, but the rainbow-hued suction beams of the magic vacuum guns add a whole extra dimension to the gameplay.

After selecting the nation they’d like to save from a simple world map, players will battle through a number of stages, slurping up a variety of enemies as they work their way towards a boss battle. The gameplay is simple and satisfying, and it’s not as tricky as a lot of arcade platformers, but it’s still easy to get caught out with so many enemies packed into the single-screen areas that are capable of attacking from above and below. As you progress through the stages, projectile-spewing baddies will begin to appear, as well as baddie-producing generator-type enemies that take a couple of hits to remove.

Each location has a boss waiting at the end of it, and the bosses tend to dominate the screen and represent an interesting change of pace. Despite each boss encounter having its own simple gimmick they all have the same solution; suck up their minions and empty the tank right in their enormous, ugly faces. Oh, don’t hold the suck button down for too long though, or your guy’s backpack will explode and you’ll lose a life. It’s a tragic and shameful way for a ghost hunter to go out.

Remember when that giant octopus terrorised New York? Yeah that was crazy.

As far as I can tell, Tumblepop was never ported out of the arcade with the single exception of a Game Boy version that was later released for the Nintendo 3DS Virtual Console, meaning that outside of emulation there’s no way of playing Tumblepop in full, living colour – unless you want to track down what must now be an exceptionally rare and obscure arcade machine, that is. I wonder if the Tropiquaria still has theirs? Maybe I’ll go over there soon and check it out. Worst-case scenario; I get to see some turtles.

Devilish – Retro Review

Bounce Your Balls Through Spooky Halls

If there’s one thing that Atari’s block-bashing 1976 arcade hit, Breakout, needed to make it a little bit more eye-catching, it was a sinister sprinkling of ghosts, ghouls, demons, and other monstrosities. Japanese software developer, Genki, thought so anyway, and came up with Devilish for the Game Gear, an unholy take on the paddle-based, ball bouncing, Breakout formula.

Before we get into the gameplay, though, let’s take a look at exactly why a pair of elegant-looking paddles are bopping a mystical ball around a selection of menacing locations. The legend goes that a prince and a princess were in love, and a jealous demon turned them into a pair of stone paddles. That’s the first thing the demon thought of, apparently. Not frogs. Not statues. Paddles.

The boss fights take place against a plain, black background – as was the tradition at the time.

Unfortunately for said demon, a mystical and mysterious ball came into existence that the paddle-prince and paddle-princess could use to absolutely batter the demon’s minions and fortifications, Odama-style. This all results in a pair of stony sovereigns bashing a beautiful blue ball into blocks, bricks, bad guys and boogeymen, all in the name of love.

The game takes place across six scrolling stages, with players able to select from a number of paddle configurations and move the top paddle higher or lower into the screen. The aim is to reach the end of the stage within a strict time limit, with points awarded for blocks broken and monsters flattened.

It’s a fun idea and a nice, occult take on the Breakout formula which is ideal for handheld gaming. It can occasionally feel frustrating, with the bouncing physics often hard to predict, and certain enemies and obstacles seemingly designed to get under your skin with their time-wasting bullshit, but when you get it right and bust through vast sections of a stage with ease, it can feel pretty satisfying.

The guy in the hat makes the other zombies dance. It’s probably referencing some obscure ’90s thing…

The time limits for each stage are very tight, and with only six stages and many sub-two minute target times, a full play through of this demonic adventure will take you less than a quarter of an hour, once you’ve mastered the gameplay, that is.

Short life-span aside, Devilsh is an entertaining Breakout clone with a liberal dose of blasphemous imagery mixed in for good measure, and high score-chasers will have a rollicking time flinging their paddles about with righteous, ball-blasting fury. Be a bit careful with them, though. They’re royalty, remember.

Sinister Sequel

If roughly fifteen minutes of demonic paddle-spanking isn’t enough for you, there is more to be found out there if you’re willing to enter the shadowy realms of importing, console modding, or emulation. Known as Bad Omen in Japan and Devilish: The Next Possession in America, this fiendish follow-up was developed by Aisystem Tokyo, and reuses the plot and gameplay of the original, sprucing up the visuals, adding multiplayer, and drawing out the length a bit.

It’s more of the same but bigger and better (and with a pretty badass front cover, too), but us here in Europe were deemed unworthy, and the pair of monarchical paddles never landed on our fair shores. Not releasing the cool, fiendish sequel in Europe? That’s a paddlin’.

This article was written for a now-defunct Sega magazine and never used. Played on Game Gear via emulation.

Prodeus

Become a Vessel of Destruction

Despite not being a “boomer” (I’m D-Generation X, baby), I’m quite fond of Boomer Shooters. Anything that reminds me of simpler times blasting away on the likes of Duke Nukem 3D and Hexen on my Sega Saturn is going to have a decent shot at earning my affections. Also, I like that they don’t tend to be too much of a time commitment, and can make for a straightforward and violent palette cleanser between lengthy RPGs or modern cinematic action games that demand lots of hours and dedication.

These days, I tend to try to be a physical-only gamer, as I enjoy feeding the shelves in the rumpus room almost as much as I enjoy playing a good video game, and in the last few years I’ve finished the (as far as I’m aware) only three Boomer Shooters that you can buy physically for the Nintendo Switch: Ion Fury, Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun, and now, finally, Prodeus.

You’ll be mowing down so many minions of Chaos you’ll think you were playing Space Marine 2! (I completed that, too, by the way)

I didn’t write about the first two games so I’ll very briefly sum up my opinions on them here. Ion Fury is a fantastic Duke Nukem 3D love-letter that has been tastefully modernised in all the right places, and Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun is a satisfying blast through the endless minions of Nurgle and Tzeentch that often pushes Nintendo’s ageing HDMI-enabled tablet beyond breaking point when it comes to framerate.

That leaves Prodeus, which I purchased sometime in 2024 and finally got around to playing in January of 2025. The game was developed by Bounding Box Software and was the result of a successful Kickstarter campaign. It offers multiplayer content as well as a single player mode, but I don’t dabble with multiplayer these days. I like my peace and quiet, you know? This will be a review of the campaign only.

The plot of Prodeus is purposefully left fairly ambiguous. From what I can fathom from the pre-stage descriptions, the game takes place on an asteroid that’s being mined for fuel (and possibly artefacts) and two opposing, interdimensional forces have converged on said asteroid to enact some kind of cosmic war. These two forces are Chaos, who have a demonic vibe and can apparently turn human soldiers into Doom-style zombies, and Prodeus, who are technologically advanced entities of light who can wrest control of Chaos’ demonic units, turning them into upgraded, blue-tinted versions of themselves.

As for the protagonist? Well, it’s hard to tell. There’s an opening sequence where they get killed horribly and then awoken in some kind of tank, and in-game text occasionally refers to them as a “Vessel”, but that’s about all you’ve got to go on. The Doom-style portrait at the bottom of the screen (that appears more skull-like as you take damage), has a cybernetically-enhanced super-soldier aesthetic, so maybe they’re some kind of Prodeus experiment that went rogue, but it’s all a bit vague. The setting is compelling enough, though, and you won’t be thinking too hard about the nuances of character development when you’re blasting something’s face off with four concurrent super shotgun shells.

Which one is the Keymaster and which one is the Gatekeeper?

All of the guns in Prodeus are great, and the game starts you off simple with a very satisfying pistol. All of the usable weapons are split across five different types of ammo, and each ammo type will feed every weapon in that class. These are bullets, shells, rockets, energy and chaos, and the different guns in the various classes all do a fine job of staying relevant as you unlock new implements of destruction. Even weapons that you’d think would be very similar or just straight upgrades, like the shotgun and the super shotgun, are different enough to drastically change gameplay. The shotgun fires more shells before needing to reload and has a secondary mode that’s a bit more effective at range, while the super shotgun can fire all four loaded shells in a satisfying blast that’ll leave all but the most elite enemy types with a severe case of bloody dismemberment.

Speaking of which, the blood effects are on point, too, with enemies exploding very satisfyingly and painting floors and walls in a tasteful shade of crimson. If a baddie pops in a tight enough space its insides will even cover the ceiling, and this results in a generous period of dripping gore, giving the game a very violent and visceral air.

Even when they’re not covered in copious helpings of tomato sauce, Prodeus’ environments look great. The visuals are purposefully very pixelated (although it looks less so in motion than the screenshots would have you believe), but the game still has a sleek feel with heaps of atmosphere. Many of the locations are quite alien and abstract, especially once you enter the Prodeus dimension, and the whole thing is built on a very dark base colour scheme with orange or blue highlights depending on whether Prodeus or Chaos are in the ascendancy at that point in the campaign. The game could be accused of looking quite samey, but a couple of highlights, like the Space Station or the dark, rainy ocean environment in the Trench level, do manage to provide some memorable focal points along the way.

As for the gameplay; it’s extremely solid. The controls are crisp and responsive, I only noticed two sections where the framerate took a noticeable hit, and the enemy variety keeps things interesting right through to the end of the game, in part thanks to the more-powerful Prodeus-controlled versions of Chaos enemies that appear later on. While most levels consist of moving through environments, locating the odd key card, and taking out groups of enemies as you go, some stages are straight up arenas that throw enemy waves of ascending difficulty at you, just to keep things spicy. The aforementioned key card hunting doesn’t overstay its welcome either, and serves as a nice throwback to similar mechanics in the games Prodeus is so clearly influenced by.

The Prodeus campaign is a dark and dismal, viscera-soaked treat for fans of old-school FPS action, and the “boomer shooter” style gameplay is spot on. There are plenty of difficulty levels to dabble with, depending on whether you want to barely survive each encounter as a wounded, bloody wreck, or feel like an invincible god-warrior who effortlessly leaves a gory wake of destruction in their path. The locations are grimy, intimidating, and occasionally awe-inspiring, and the music, while not necessarily all that memorable, provides a fine accompaniment to the flying bullets, plasma, and Chaos energy.

The environments get quite a bit more ominous as you progress.

Where would I rate it alongside Ion Fury and Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun, you ask? Well, that’s a tough one. For thrills and personality, I’d rank it just below Ion Fury, but then, Duke Nukem 3D was the shooter I jammed with the most when I was but an eager young gamer. I’d probably say Prodeus plays a little better than Boltgun, though, just feeling that little bit crisper and clearer, although the fact that I played both games on the Switch could be affecting that decision.

Still, they’re all winners in my eyes, and that’s the important thing. Now I’m just waiting for that perfect modern re-imagining of Hexen to come out physically on the Switch. I heard Graven turned out to be a bit of a let-down though. Shame, that.